I never carried a religious identity. I wasn’t raised with a formal religion and never had an interest in being a part of it.
In fact, I would have been offended if someone referred to me as a part of a group they assumed I belonged to based on my cultural heritage. They don’t know me, how could they assume that is what I believe?
At best, there a was point in my life I started to consider my self a little spiritual…and this was how I resolved reflecting on a couple of personal near-death experiences; witnessing the last breaths of a life passing on; and, coping with the loss of loved ones.
And by a little spiritual, I was only comfortable admitting that there are a lot of questions out there that the science I deferred to, could not answer at this time. And I just clung onto the idea that one day, we will have the answers.
I used to be fascinated by magic, psychics and mediums.
I used to watch performers on t.v. in awe. I even had the privilege of witnessing such performances in real life several times.
I was just totally marvelled by the way a human being could 1) Get so great at a craft, 2) Be so incredibly compelling, 3) Con so many intelligent people, and, 4) If they actually believed their own illusions – how did this come to be?
I also had enjoyed being entertained by astrology. Being a Gemini and fitting the classic personality traits, I enjoyed reading the positive spin placed on my idiosyncrasies. Horoscopes have always been a light, fun way to passive-aggressively affirm or deny, whatever I had going on in my life that needed internal/external justification.
I also enjoyed dream analysis. Obviously I have no professional training in this, however, being raised by a psychoanalyst, I get the point clearly that our brains collect data and mash it together in our subconscious to help our conscious mind interpret the world. I find it amazing how much it can reveal about someone’s innermost fears and desires just by divulging a seemingly innocuous dream.
Since I barely believed in the after-life, obviously believing someone is talking to dead people seems ridiculous. It just didn’t make sense to me. Do these dead people look old? Do dead children continue to age? How does a dead baby have a message to its mother? Do they all speak English? Do they really have to be classified as good or bad people (that seems silly to me since here on Earth no one is walking around with a disclaimer on their back- and what I think makes some one a bad person may be different from another persons judgement). Are they only people (it only makes sense to me that every single living being should have a spirit, not limited to humans).
I had numerous experiences in my life that one may try to explain by paranormal activity. I tried not to. At times, very hard. I always tried to rationalize my experiences.
I had a turning point that seemed to happen rather quickly.
Through the process of my own Kundalini Awakening, I found myself praying to a God that I did not believe in. I prayed to something to help me find the answers to a world that was beyond my intellectual comprehension.
Following a series of bizarre events that I had difficulty rationalizing, I sat in deep meditation one evening searching for direction.
When I opened my eyes, I witnessed the lights flicker. When I asked my husband if he saw it, he said no.
That was strange I thought- I knew I saw it.
I closed my eyes and continued to quietly breathe in my questions, and breathe out the quest for answers. I focused on the the words “I’m ready“.
I opened my eyes after a few minutes. The power surged. The lights in the entire house turned off and turned back on. My husband looked at me like I had two heads.
Well that was weird, we both agreed. But moved on.
The next morning, my three year old climbed into my bed as he usually did for a cuddle before we head downstairs to make breakfast.
As we were talking, he suddenly sat up beside me and said, “mommy, why is there a ghost in your room?”
“There are no ghosts honey, I don’t know what you’re talking about” I said to him. I was a little confused because we never spoke about ghosts. It struck me as odd that he had the language for such a concept.
“Right there in the corner mommy, the ghost is playing with a baby toy! That is not a toy for ghosts, its is only for babies!”
He started shouting as he got up from my bed, marched right into the corner of my room, and grabbed a baby toy out of a basket that I didn’t even remember was there. He angrily snatched the toy from the basket and threw it to the floor. He kept shouting, “this is not a ghost toy! This is for babies!”
Since I didn’t believe in ghosts, and my kid was acting weird, I took his hand and we went downstairs. I reassured him that no one was there. I kept trying to reassure myself that there was no one else in my room.
Spooked, my son lay on the couch, as I proceeded to explain this strange story to my babysitter in the kitchen.
As I finished telling her the story, we both heard knocking in the ceiling. It was strange since I have carpet in my bedroom above. It was a distinct knocking sound.
We both ran upstairs to see if someone was in my room. Perhaps one of my other children was up there and getting into something.
My room proved to be empty, and my other children were together in one room playing. All other bedroom doors were open to the hallway.
Together, we both approached the door to the room where the kids were playing- and a door in the hallway slammed shut so hard that the entire hallway shook.
We both jumped.
We both noticed that no door actually physically shut in the hallway. Every door was still open.
I thought I was crazy. But she heard it too.
She suggested we had an angry ghost in the house. I reassured her that is not possible because there’s no such thing.
Let’s just say that life proceeded the following weeks relatively normal, with the exception that I was incredibly confused.
I also continued to witness knocking in the walls, hearing footsteps, more doors closing, the sound of items falling.
Returning to my meditation for answers, I found direct responses -or answers, upon returning to consciousness. But for a long time I could not accept them as answers.
An example was, I would ask a question in my mind, then immediately the t.v. would turn off, or a light would turn off, or a phone call or email would come through. Then one time, upon returning to consciousness, I witnessed a single bead materialize out of thin air, right before my eyes. I watched it appear, then physically fall to the floor.
That was my breaking point. I felt that I could no longer confidently deny that there was a world beyond the physical experience.
I didn’t really know what she would do for me, but I felt better knowing I was going to give her $200 to come to my home and sage it or pendulum cleanse the shit out of it.
My experience of her coming to my home was not what I expected. She had informed me that I too, was a psychic and a medium, and that “spirits” were trying to help me accept it because it was time. They were getting louder. More consistent and persistent to get my attention.
But remember, I didn’t believe in spirits. She suggested I educate myself on basic scientific principles of energy transfer if I needed the science.
I felt very uncomfortable by what she was saying…but all of a sudden, many of my past life experiences started to make sense in a whole new way.
Clearly noticing that I was a skeptic, she asked me how it had been working out for me. Honestly, it was working really well my whole life…until it didn’t.
I now understand that my own spiritual awakening has helped me see that there is more. As I resisted some of the experiences happening to me through my Kundalini Awakening out of fear, unknowing and simply not understanding, I was denying myself of this elevated state of human consciousness.
Slowly, and with a ton of resistance, overtime, I have come to accept my own experiences to be super natural. Kundalini has invited me to challenge my previous binary worldview.
I still really like science. I really like understanding the way things work. I am not a scientist myself, but I have always been comfortable in deferring to the experts, and trusting that they had done the work to find the answers.
I have very little understanding of physics and chemistry, or other areas of science. I actually don’t even know what they are called. I couldn’t tell you how a light bulb produces light, or explain why gravity is responsible for holding my furniture to my floor.
I just seem to trust that the universe is made of energy, we are all energy- living and non-living things on this planet and beyond. Someone once tried to tell me that the way he could read my aura (and a little bit of my mind) way based on my energy field. When I accused him of that being not only absurd- also, creepy and violating, his response was- its quantum physics, not magic! Don’t you know?
No I did not. I’m not a Scientist, remember! You can tell me its quantum physics until you’re blue in the face- I can watch a million YouTube Videos on people trying to explain it, but the truth of the matter is, that at some point I just have to trust what I am witnessing- and remove the need to understand it.
Maybe this is really the answer- by removing the need to intellectually grasp everything in our world, we can engage in it differently. Maybe we don’t need to label everything around us.
We can then perceive the world with wonder and intrigue. Like a child. Embracing our experiences and relish in the natural, emotional response.
I have come to accept, and respect that spirituality is a deeper understanding of myself – my true, pure self. Untainted. Uninfluenced. As an observer to my life in the absence of judgement.